ARELLANO HI - CLASS 1949

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Is laughter linked to a healthy heart?
Can a good laugh a day keep the heart attack away?

    More and more studies in Medicine seem to indicate that laughter and a good sense of humor may promote a healthy heart and prevent heart attacks.  With this in mind, this page was added to our site.  Let's share those good  jokes and humorous  stories and enjoy a good laugh, a good heart and a good health!

    Here is one from my daughter in-law who got it in an e-mail from her brother in Australia:
Title:  When All Else Fails
Setting:  In the bedroom of an elderly couple (They may be in their 80s.)
Time:  Bedtime, of course
Characters:  Obviously, the elderly couple

    After reading a very romantic story, the wife decided that something good should happen that night.  That story surely made her really h____.   So she went through her sexy lingerie and picked out what she thought would work.

    Meanwhile, the husband was already in bed, waiting for the wife.  "What is taking you so long?"

    To the old woman, that sounded like a great invitation!  "Does he feel what I feel?" she asked herself.

    In a couple of minutes, the lady climbed up in bed and gave her mate a good-night kiss.  To her surprise, NOTHING, no, NOTHING happened.

    So the old woman got out of bed and decided to change into a what she thought was a sexier night gown.

    The lady went back to bed and whispered, "Good night, Love."  Still it did not work!  NOTHING, no, NOTHING happened.

    Out of frustration, the wife took her gown off right there in bed.  And to get her husband's attention, she pitched the gown on the floor by her husband's side.  Sensing all that rocking commotion, the poor husband turned on his other side, now facing his wife. 
   
    "It worked!  It worked!" the lady thought. "Now he would see me in my birthday suit."

    "What is going on?" the poor old man asked.  "And, why is YOUR GOWN SO WRINKLY?"

He, he, he!  Come on Guys, let me hear your laughter!

    Here's another one.  I just got this yesterday from e-mails sent by three Arellanites.  Maybe you got it, too.  We'll share it now with others.

Title:  Child Humor
Setting:  In a kindergarten class
Characters:  The kindergarten teacher, an officer of the law, the whole class and an embarrassed Mom

    Lynn had a quiet little kindergartener.  Her daughter's teacher insisted the shy student would raise her hand in class, "when she's good and ready."

    Officer Friendly came to class to teach the children about saying "no" to drugs and alcohol.  As the teacher explained after school, the young girl had finally raised her hand to tell Officer Friendly "My Mom drinks and drives."

    Lynn gasped, "She said what?  I don't drink and drive!"

    Her daughter insisted though, "Yes, you do, Mom!  Every day you drink your coffee when you drive me to school."

    Hi, hi, hi!  He, he, he!   Thank you, Benji San, Corie Leano-Biswas and Ben Lingat!

          
Ok, Guys, we'll wait
for your funny jokes, stories and whatnots!

    Okey, here's another one.  I was off sick last Tuesday and had nothing else to do but watch TV.  I heard this on ABC's "
The View"

Title:  Do You Growl?
Characters: A mom and a 5-yr old girl
Setting:  In a zoo

    One of the panelists on "The View" took her young daughter to the zoo one day.   As they were walking by the lion's den, the young girl  tugged her mom's skirt and asked, "What are they doing, Mom?"  Actually the Tom cat was over the female cat.  The mother was just about to explain it to the girl when both cats gave a real big GROWL!

    "Mom!"  the girl was really frightened this time.

    The mother comfortably assured her daughter that the lions were JUST mating to show their love for each other.

    To that, the girl asked, "Do you and Dad do that, too?"

    Mom replied, "Yes, sometimes."
    And then, the girl asked..."Do you  G R O W L ?"

    He, he, he!  Ha, ha, ha!   Do you?
      We've got to have something to laugh about, my friends.
Please send in your funnies to:
evrles3@yahoo.com  .  TY

  Here's another one sent in by our own Ning Feleo.   It is on a very serious topic: mammograms, but the way the "victim" described her experience would surely make you laugh.  Thanks, Ning!

Title:  Getting Your Mammies Grammed?
Setting: At a hospital
Characters:  The "crying victim" and the "vicious machine"

 
            For years and years they told me,
		   Be careful of your breasts;
		   Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
		   And give them monthly tests.
                   So I heeded all their warnings,
		   And protected them by law;
		   Guarded them very care,
		   And I always wore my bra.
                   After many years of astute care,
		   My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
		   Said I should get a Mammogram,
		   "OK," I said, "let's do it."
                   "Stand up here real close" the tech said,
		   (She got my boob in line),
		   "And tell me when it hurts," she said,
		   "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
                   The tech stepped upon a pedal,
		   I could not believe my eyes!
		   A plastic plate came slamming down,
		   My hooters in a vise!
                   My skin was stretched and mangled,
		   From underneath my chin;
		   My poor boob was being squashed,
		  To Swedish Pancake thin.
                   Excruciating pain I felt,
		   Within it's viselike grip.
		   A prisoner in this vicious thing,
		   My poor defenseless tit!
                   "Take a deep breath," she said to me,
	`	   Who does she think she's kidding? ! O X ! ?
		   My chest is mashed in her machine,
		   And woozy I am getting.
                   "There, that's good," I heard her say,
		   (The room was slowly swaying.)
		   "Now, let's have a go at the other one."
		   "Have mercy,"  I was praying.
                   It squeezed me from both up and down,
		   It squeezed me from both sides.
		   I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
		  To HER tender little hide.
                   Next time that they make me do this,
		   I will request a blindfold;
		   I have no wish to see again,
		   My knockers getting steam rolled.
                   If I had no problem when I came in,
		   I surely have one now;
		   If there had been a cyst in there,
		   It would have gone "ker-pow!"
                   This machine was created by a man,
		   Of this, I have no doubt;
		   I'd like to stick his balls in there,
		   And, see how THEY come out!


Friends,  I know this is funny, but please do schedule your 
mammogram, if you haven't yet. To our gentleman-friends, 
please remind your loved ones, wives and daughters, 
to go for it.  

This is as good as lawyer jokes come.   Someone I don't even know sent it to my email address.  Maybe my email address was part of a group of addresses, you know, in a mail he had previously received.  But, anyway, I think it is so funny that I would like to share it with you.

Something to make you smile and laugh I hope…Excuse and forgive the expletives in the Spanish language, friends….
Lawyers should never ask a Mexican grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer...



During a trial in a small town in south Texas, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly Mexican abuelita to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Senora Sanchez, do you know me?' 

The Mexican grandma  responded, 'Si, I know you Mr. Williams. I know you since you were a mocoso chorriado, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me, to your family and to your community. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people, and you think you're a big shot when you are just a nada, pura basura. Yes, I know you, baboso.'

The lawyer was stunned, not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Senora Sanchez, 'Do you know the defense attorney?'

Again she replied, 'claro que si. I've known Mr. Rodriguez since he was a mocoso travieso too. He's a lazy puto, and he has a drinking problem. He can't keep a normal relationship with nobody, and he is the most pendejo lawyer in the state. And not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different putas. One of them was your wife! You remember? I know Mr. Rodriguez; his mama is not proud of him tambien.'

THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST COLLAPSED!.

The judge then asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you cabrones asks her if she knows me, I'll send you two to the electric chair immediately!"
 
                            

Lumpia

Here's a funny one contributed by Louise Abelardo Larraga:

This is for all the Filipinos out there, to those who are lucky enough to be married to a Filipina, and also to all the friends of  Filipinos, who know about and love lumpia.
  FILIPINO LUMPIA  
     An elderly Filipino man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite food, Filipino lumpia. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.  
     Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled to the kitchen. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.  
     Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite food, lumpia.  
     Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Filipino wife of
sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 
     Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the lumpia was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.     
     The aged and withered hand trembled on to a lumpia, when he was
suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. 
     "Get out of here! " she shouted , "They're for your funeral!" 

O, Dios Mio, buhay pa pinaghahandaan na para sa kanyang funeral!  Pero sabi ng matatanda noong araw, iyong paghahanda sa funeral ng may sakit ay nakapapag-udlot sa kamatayan.  Narinig ba ninyo iyon noong araw?

                                              

 

RELAX & ENJOY

December 17, 2009

My dear friends,

Here's a really enjoyable collection of jokes sent to me by an online friend. Her name is Angela and a certain Ramon S. sent this to her.  RELAX and enjoy reading them.

Emma

Senator #1: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
Senator #2: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?!
Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2.... cold water..

Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.  Naunang namatay si Dado.
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
'Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?' usisa ni Rodel.
'Oo naman!' tugon ni Dado.
'Parang hindi totoo!' bulalas ni Rodel.  'O, ano, meron bang basketbol
sa langit?'
Sagot ni Dado, 'May maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo.
Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!' (ngek!)

Usapan ng dalawang bata...
Junjun: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang Pacific Ocean ,
siya ang humukay nun!
Pedrito: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo, yung Dead Sea ?
Junjun: Oo...
Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!

Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
Sir: What are my choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No.

Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway
Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa
siguro, sumama na ako sa 'yo!

Sa isang classroom... .
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks..
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.

Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay
kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige, sirit na nga
Bobo: Anest

Policeman arresting a prostitute
Prosti: I am not selling sex
Police: Then what are you doing?
Prosti: I'm a saleswoman selling condoms with free demo.

Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka. P10 piso lang isang baso
Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang ba nyan?
Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka.

A naked girl takes a taxi
Naked Girl:  'Bakit ka nakatitig sa katawan ko, ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng hubad?'
Driver: 'Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe mo'

Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok tatanggalan po ako ng butlig
Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na...
Katulong: Kasi ok lang kung right lig or left lig lang po..
pero bakit naman butligs pa...

Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
Girl: Substitute po
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may
sakit siya ako po yung substitute...

Kodigo
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?!! !
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko

SIOPAO
Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao... 'yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Waitress: Kasi po, may itlog sa loob.(o, loko!)

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala
niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!


Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya

Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!

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